▶ It’s a quarter after one and I’m a little drunk, and I need you now || Cristina & Owen

owenhuntmd:

 

Owen sort of grinned at her comment. There was no way he could have just let her be. Cristina was the love of his life and being without her in his life would have killed him. At least seeing her right in this moment was enough to keep him going for a little while longer. The moment her lips met his, however, Owen realized he wasn’t letting her go, ever. He kissed her back with fury, trying desperately to make up for all the lost time between them. He needed her more than anything right now. Tears fell haphazardly from his eyes as he continued to taste her sweet lips and the salt from his tears. Owen had no idea what would happen afterwards and if he was honest, he didn’t care right now. He had Cristina in his arms and that was enough. Owen needed her. He could feel himself becoming increasingly aroused, his hands needing to wander her petite frame. Reluctantly, Owen broke the kiss. He stared down at his wife. “Cristina…” Owen whispered to her. “Can I make love to you?” He asked her hesitantly. 

Cristina didn’t want for this moment too end, after months of no contact, to finally be in his arms felt amazing. She was completely his. No amount of time, distance or space could change that. Her heart belonged to him. She wrapped her arm tighter around his waist, wanting to be as close as possible to him. Her whole body was tingling as they kissed. God she had missed him.

She was surprised when he broke the kiss, Cristina stared up at him bemused, his words were so sincere, she could see nothing but complete love in his eyes as he spoke those words, and if truth be told Cristina was hoping it would go that way. It had been so long since she had felt his body against hers, she longed for it. For his skin against hers, for him to bury himself in her once more.She was still overwhelmed by her emotions and tears were still managing to escape her eyes, she hoped Owen didn’t mistake her tears for a ‘no’, she more than anything wanted to make love to her husband right now.

Without saying a word Cristina resumed kissing him her hands wandering up the front of his shirt as she undone each of the buttons, slipping it off his shoulders and letting it fall too the floor, her hands working there way all over his body. He was a little skinnier than she remembered, yet still muscular and firm. She reached her hands down to the waist band of his pants, her fingers pulling at the button and zip, desperate to remove the barrier between them. “I’ve missed you so much.” she whispered into his ear as her hands found their way inside his pants. 

▶ It’s a quarter after one and I’m a little drunk, and I need you now || Cristina & Owen

owenhuntmd:

kickasscardiogodcristinayang:

 

She held on tight like her life was depending upon it. She didn’t dare look up, she couldn’t bare to look at his face right now. Too look into those beautiful baby blue eyes, she knew she’d be drawn it too easily. She had gotten lost in those eyes so many times before, as cheesy as it sounded, it was true. Cristina was trying to hold back her sobs but, she couldn’t hold it any longer, it was too much.This was too much. Owen was here, in her apartment, in Mayo. This was not what she had expected when she woke up hungover this morning. A phone call, maybe. But not this. Not for him to  have flown half way across the country just too see her face again. “I thought this was what I wanted, I thought this was the best option for us, for both of us…I kept waiting for it to stop hurting, for it to get better, but it didn’t. And last night…that phone call….I meant every word, I know I was drunk, but I -…I can’t breath without you either, Owen. I can’t stop loving you, even from the other side of the freaking country, you’re all I can think about. At work, at home, in that stupid bar…all I can think about is you. You’re in my freaking head! All the time…” she paused, choking back the tears, her whole body was shaking as adrenaline rushed through her every vain. “I don’t know if we can work. I don’t know if we can fix this huge fucking mess we’re in. But I love you. And, right now, all I know is I don’t want to let go.” She finished, bringing  her hand up to her face and wiping away the tears, it was no use they just kept coming. 

 

Listening to her utter the words that meant the world to him was enough for Owen to let himself sob into her neck. He hadn’t quite meant for that to happen, to show yet more weakness in front of her but he couldn’t help it. “I….” He started to say, trying to find the right words. What could he even say that he hadn’t said already? Owen stayed quiet, holding onto her for dear life as more tears poured down his face. Was love enough? Could love be the thing that pulled two people together no matter what the costs were? Owen liked to think that love did what it wanted to, regardless of what happened to the people in involved. It didn’t care that it practically tore the participants part, shedding them of their armor and letting the other see every single inch of them. It occurred to him that love didn’t realize how often people didn’t survive it. He felt just as lost as he had that night in the trailer. What had he even expected though? Owen hadn’t expected her to fall into his arms and say fuck the costs, let’s do it but he thought when he had saw her standing there, that he would have some sort of moment of clarity. There was no clarity, only pain and mess and love and affection and longing and tears and this whole idea that these two soul mates were struggling to stay together despite slowly being ripped apart. 

He had to find strength in this moment or he’d be lost. Owen could feel himself slowly sipping away as he held her. He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself long enough to be able to speak. “I…” He began again. “I know…that…we don’t work..I know that bbbut…I want to try anyway…fuck our problems. Fuck all the pain and the alcohol that we’ve needed to get through this. I just want you, Cristina. I love you more than anything. I’ve…I’ve never felt this way before. I can’t even function without you. You’ve just…somehow worked your way into my life and I don’t know what to do when you’re not there….So I’m asking you, despite…despite all that, that you let me into your life again.” 

Cristina hated seeing Owen cry. It reminded her of all the things she had done wrong. All the decisions she made without him. All the chunks they had tore from each other emotional. Their relationship truly had been a roller coaster, people say that, but for Cristina and Owen it was true. They had been through so much together, so much pain and turmoil. The PTSD, the shooting, the abortion, the cheating, the plane crash….it seemed like the odds were against them. Yet somehow, someway, they always seemed to find their way back to each other. Was that what soul mates meant? That no matter how much crap the world throw at you, you fight it, together, to get back to each other? It certainly seemed like it. Cristina cupped his face in her hands, she inhaled deeply and opened her eyes, looking straight into his as he spoke. Tears still streaming down both their faces. She was trying to find the words to respond too him, but what could she say? Yes? Fuck it all? 

“I….I think you kind of let yourself back in, showing up here.” she said, half smiling up at him, through the tears. “I mean…” she paused and took a deep breath, trying to center herself, ” Fuck it..” she said, bringing her lips closer to his, they were centimeters apart, she could feel his hot breath on her skin she paused for a second, before closing the gap between them. The moment her lips touched his she felt as if she was being brought back to life. Cristina had butterflies in the pit of her stomach and her heart was beating a hundred beats per second. She had no idea what any of this meant, or if they could even begin to repair the damage they had caused each other in the last year, but what she did know was for the first time in months she felt like she could breath again. 

▶ It’s a quarter after one and I’m a little drunk, and I need you now || Cristina & Owen

owenhuntmd:

kickasscardiogodcristinayang:

Cristina stood there in complete shock, and she was about to be even more shocked by the words about to come out his mouth. As he spoke tears were forming behind her eyes and a lump gathered in her throat. She was trying to hold back the tears, but she was too over come with emotion that she simply could not control them as they rolled down her cheeks, splashing on her nightshirt. She listened too him talk, she could feel a mix of emotions, she was so happy too see him but at the same time anger washed over her, Cristina mouth was always ahead of her head and this was no exception, “And what? you think you can just show up here and what? take me back to Seattle so we can pretend everything just fine? Don’t you think it’s killing me too? I miss you Owen, so freaking much. I am trying. Trying too be happy here, trying to start over because we keep hurting each other, Owen..” her voice trailed off. She sighed deeply and paced back and forth before taking a seat on the sofa, standing was proving difficult, what with the room still spinning from the night before. She took a deep breath and started to talk again, ” You wanted to stop whatever the hell we were doing, so I stopped Owen, and last night….I…I was drunk, I was upset, I missed you. I’ve missed you every single day. But what do we do Owen? How the hell could we even come back from this?” She wanted too try, more than anything she wanted this marriage to work. But was it too far gone? Or could they find their way back to each other? 

Cristina stood back up and walked over to Owen, she looked up at those blue eyes, god she had missed them. She hadn’t been this close too him in months. She hadn’t heard his voice in weeks. In that moment all she wanted to do was feel him against her. She inched closer, unsure of what the hell any of this meant, and feel into his arms. He felt warm, safe. He felt like home. She breathed deeply, inhaling his scent, he still smelled of the same familiar cologne. Cristina rested her head on his chest and closed her eye tightly. Repeating the words “I love you” over and over in her head without saying them out loud.  

“No!” Owen practically yelled. “That’s…that’s not what I mean.” He started to say, quieting his voice. “I’m not expecting anything from you other than for you to listen to me. You don’t have to take me back. I just…I thought that not talking would give us a chance to heal and be able to move away from each other. All it seems to be doing to me is making me miss you more. I guess I was trying to give you space and give you what I knew Seattle couldn’t. You’re working at Mayo, with one of the finest Cardio programs out there….And I don’t know..I don’t know how to fix us. I don’t know what will make it better.  I guess…I guess I just wanted to see your face…I’m sorry I upset you…” He was taken back by her getting up and hugging him. Owen honestly thought that she was going to push him out the door and yet here he was with her in his arms again, a gesture that he thought wouldn’t happen ever again. She fit so perfectly in his arms, like they were made for each other. A thought that he hadn’t thought for weeks but one that he felt was entirely true regardless of the shittiness of the situation. He couldn’t look down at her and see her face. Tears fell from his eyes while he held her and he did everything in his power to try to stop the sob that so desperately wanted to release itself from his throat. Owen couldn’t get so emotional right now. The scene was an uneasy one and he didn’t want to come undone in front of her until he knew it was safe to do so.

She held on tight like her life was depending upon it. She didn’t dare look up, she couldn’t bare to look at his face right now. Too look into those beautiful baby blue eyes, she knew she’d be drawn it too easily. She had gotten lost in those eyes so many times before, as cheesy as it sounded, it was true. Cristina was trying to hold back her sobs but, she couldn’t hold it any longer, it was too much.This was too much. Owen was here, in her apartment, in Mayo. This was not what she had expected when she woke up hungover this morning. A phone call, maybe. But not this. Not for him to  have flown half way across the country just too see her face again. “I thought this was what I wanted, I thought this was the best option for us, for both of us…I kept waiting for it to stop hurting, for it to get better, but it didn’t. And last night…that phone call….I meant every word, I know I was drunk, but I -…I can’t breath without you either, Owen. I can’t stop loving you, even from the other side of the freaking country, you’re all I can think about. At work, at home, in that stupid bar…all I can think about is you. You’re in my freaking head! All the time…” she paused, choking back the tears, her whole body was shaking as adrenaline rushed through her every vain. “I don’t know if we can work. I don’t know if we can fix this huge fucking mess we’re in. But I love you. And, right now, all I know is I don’t want to let go.” She finished, bringing  her hand up to her face and wiping away the tears, it was no use they just kept coming. 

▶ It’s a quarter after one and I’m a little drunk, and I need you now || Cristina & Owen

owenhuntmd:

kickasscardiogodcristinayang:

 

Cristina was drifting in and out of sleep, trying to re-cooperate from the night before, her head was still pounding when she heard a knock at the door, “go away.” she mumbled as she dragged her ass out of bed, she grabbed her Stamford sweatshirt and pulled in on, over her pyjamas and stumbling to the door, Cristina was pretty sure she was still drunk, she still felt drunk. She approached the door and grabbed the keys off the sideboard, she opened the door slowly “this better be good, I feel like crap.” she said nonchalantly, unbeknownst to her it was Owen on the other side of the door.  Cristina jaw nearly hit the floor when the door swung open to reveal her husband stood before her. “Holy crap…what the hell are you doing here?” she stammered out. Completely in shock that he was here, stood at her front door. What was he here for? what did he want? Oh god, did he want a divorce? was he here with divorce papers? She stood there in shock for a moment, god she had missed him. He looked sad, he’d lost weight, his gorgeous blue eyes looked laced with sadness, Cristina was so over whelmed tears started to roll down her cheeks, “um…come in…” she said, not really believing what was happening.   

“I…” Owen stammered. What did he want anyway? She looked upset but still as beautiful as she ever was apart from the smell of liquor that was practically radiating off her. Owen didn’t blame her one bit and sort of took solace in knowing that she was just as miserable as he was, not that he wished misery on her but regardless. He hadn’t been able to say much more before she invited him into her disheveled apartment. Owen glanced around the room at the various discarded clothing, papers and of course, liquor bottles. It looked nearly similar to what he had left except of course that he couldn’t help but clean up after himself. “I….well…” He cleared his throat, realizing the words he wanted to say were harder than he had anticipated. “The thing is that…I…I can’t breathe without you Cristina. I can’t. I’ve tried, I did. I tried to move on. I’ve tried to forget what we had and what I still feel for you but I just…I can’t Cristina. I love you and…I know that it hasn’t been easy and everything but damn it! Come back to me. I need you. I don’t know how to function when you’re not there with me.” The words flowed easier than intended and he was getting rambly but he just couldn’t help it. Owen wanted to try to tell her exactly what he was feeling even if it might not make sense. His blue eyes pleaded with her to say something. He wasn’t entirely sure how welcomed he was or whether she might throw something at him but at least she’d let him in. “Look I know I said we should stop talking and everything but not being able to hear your voice has been the worst. Cristina…Can you give us a chance again?” 

Cristina stood there in complete shock, and she was about to be even more shocked by the words about to come out his mouth. As he spoke tears were forming behind her eyes and a lump gathered in her throat. She was trying to hold back the tears, but she was too over come with emotion that she simply could not control them as they rolled down her cheeks, splashing on her nightshirt. She listened too him talk, she could feel a mix of emotions, she was so happy too see him but at the same time anger washed over her, Cristina mouth was always ahead of her head and this was no exception, “And what? you think you can just show up here and what? take me back to Seattle so we can pretend everything just fine? Don’t you think it’s killing me too? I miss you Owen, so freaking much. I am trying. Trying too be happy here, trying to start over because we keep hurting each other, Owen..” her voice trailed off. She sighed deeply and paced back and forth before taking a seat on the sofa, standing was proving difficult, what with the room still spinning from the night before. She took a deep breath and started to talk again, ” You wanted to stop whatever the hell we were doing, so I stopped Owen, and last night….I…I was drunk, I was upset, I missed you. I’ve missed you every single day. But what do we do Owen? How the hell could we even come back from this?” She wanted too try, more than anything she wanted this marriage to work. But was it too far gone? Or could they find their way back to each other? 

Cristina stood back up and walked over to Owen, she looked up at those blue eyes, god she had missed them. She hadn’t been this close too him in months. She hadn’t heard his voice in weeks. In that moment all she wanted to do was feel him against her. She inched closer, unsure of what the hell any of this meant, and feel into his arms. He felt warm, safe. He felt like home. She breathed deeply, inhaling his scent, he still smelled of the same familiar cologne. Cristina rested her head on his chest and closed her eye tightly. Repeating the words “I love you” over and over in her head without saying them out loud.  

▶ It’s a quarter after one and I’m a little drunk, and I need you now || Cristina & Owen

owenhuntmd:

kickasscardiogodcristinayang:

 

Cristina woke up a few hours later, splayed out on the bathroom floor, her hand still clutching her cell phone, “oh crap” she mumbled staring at her phone in her hand. Last night seemed like a total blur, she could barely remember getting home. The guy in the bar. “Oh god.” she gasped. Had she? No surely not? Surely she had came home alone? She pulled herself to her feet and quietly crept through to the bedroom, praying she was a lone in the apartment. “oh thank god.” she said out load, practically shaking. The last thing she needed was to accidentely fall into bed with another man. She still loved Owen. He was still her husband. Despite how shitty things were, the “d” word had not yet been said. They hadn’t spoke for a week, Cristina hated it. She missed him so badly. She missed his smell, his gorgeous blue eyes, she missed the way he kissed her neck from behind her. She missed everything about her. What if she’d made a huge mistake? What if she was never going too be happy here? She had left Seattle because she was miserable; because they were making each other miserable. All they kept doing was hurting each other. The abortion. The Cheating. They were pulling each other apart, so Cristina left. She wanted to stop hurting him. She couldn’t bare the fact that the one person she loved most in the world was miserable because he loved her. 

Cristina crawled into her bed, pulling the covers up to her neck, even with the heating turned up full the apartment was always freezing. Stupid Minnesota. Luckily she wasn’t in work today. There was no way she was fit for anything today. She planned on not leaving her bed for the whole day. She wasn’t even going to bother showing the stench of booze off her. What was the point? She was all alone anyway. Cristina laid there, trying to remember the events of the night before, and then it hit her. Like a ton of bricks. “Oh shit.” she cried out, reaching for her phone, “No…I didn’t…I didn’t…please say I didn’t” She muttered hitting her last dialed list. And there it was Owen - Last dialed 2.32AM. 

She toyed with whether or not she should call him back to apologize  and tell him not to listen to her drunken ramblings. But she wasn’t sure if that would cause more harm that good. Eventually, after about 20 minutes of deliberating Cristina decided she was going to call him, but it went straight to answer machine. She hung up and tried again.Straight to answer phone again. He probably didn’t want to talk to her. God knows what she had said last night in her drunken stupor. If there was ever any chance of them sorting this mess out Cristina had almost certainly ruined it by her voice mail last night. She tried a third and final time before giving up. She threw her phone across the room in frustration and watched as it smashed against the wall on the other side, she wasn’t sure if it was broken, and frankly, right now she didn’t care. As far as Cristina was concerned if the world was to swallow her up right now it would be a blessing. 

Owen got up at around 7. He hadn’t slept the rest of the night, only tossing and turning over the decision that he’d made. Owen was going to fly out there and get her to come home or at least, try again with him. He wanted that so desperately and was going to work harder than ever to make her see that it was a good thing. Owen made coffee and rushed around the trailer, grabbing a bunch of clothes. He poured the coffee into a travel mug and headed out the door only to come back in again. Owen needed clothes. He could barely think straight with the lack of sleep and the constant desire to get the hell out of there. Owen finally managed to cloth himself with some jeans and t-shirt and shrugged on his brown jacket and left. He drove a little faster than usual down the mountain roads towards the city. Owen was eager to get there right away. He had to see her.

After what seemed like ages, Owen finally reached the airport, parked his truck and headed inside. He hurried towards the desk and grabbed his ticket and headed towards his gate. Owen realized he was early but he figured his nerves could use the extra minutes. FINALLY his flight was called and he headed onto the plane. He had seriously contemplated not going after all and had to convince himself several times that it needed to happen. Owen sat down on the plane, popped a pill and let it take affect. He woke up several hours later as the plane started to land. This was it. Owen plowed through the airport and grabbed his bag and headed outside in the cold winter day. He shivered slightly, not used to the cold like this but he would deal. Owen went and rented a car and drove the distance to where he knew Cristina was living. He thought about finding some alcohol to calm his nerves but he remembered the last time he’d done that and he had ended up drunk on her door step. Owen had to do this. He refused to be miserable anymore and he refused the overwhelming pain he felt every day she wasn’t with him. 

The hallway seemed long, longer that it probably really was. He was finally doing it. Owen finally found her door. His hands were shaking considerably wondering if she was even home and whether or not she would like the fact that he was there. He stood there for several minutes before finally knocking and holding his breath.

Cristina was drifting in and out of sleep, trying to re-cooperate from the night before, her head was still pounding when she heard a knock at the door, “go away.” she mumbled as she dragged her ass out of bed, she grabbed her Stamford sweatshirt and pulled in on, over her pyjamas and stumbling to the door, Cristina was pretty sure she was still drunk, she still felt drunk. She approached the door and grabbed the keys off the sideboard, she opened the door slowly “this better be good, I feel like crap.” she said nonchalantly, unbeknownst to her it was Owen on the other side of the door.  Cristina jaw nearly hit the floor when the door swung open to reveal her husband stood before her. “Holy crap…what the hell are you doing here?” she stammered out. Completely in shock that he was here, stood at her front door. What was he here for? what did he want? Oh god, did he want a divorce? was he here with divorce papers? She stood there in shock for a moment, god she had missed him. He looked sad, he’d lost weight, his gorgeous blue eyes looked laced with sadness, Cristina was so over whelmed tears started to roll down her cheeks, “um…come in…” she said, not really believing what was happening.   

▶ It’s a quarter after one and I’m a little drunk, and I need you now || Cristina & Owen

owenhuntmd:

kickasscardiogodcristinayang:

It had been a week since Cristina last heard Owen’s voice. The last time they spoke had been heart breaking, they both said they couldn’t do this anymore. So Cristina had stopped texting, stopped calling. Not talking was almost as hard as hearing his voice every day. She had missed him terribly, this last week had been emotional torture, Cristina was exhausted, she had barely slept, she couldn’t eat, even breathing seemed too laboring. Today should have been a good day, Parker had let her fly solo on a piggy back transplant, and she had assisted Thomas operate on an inoperable tumor. Cristina should have been on cloud 9, but instead she was at rock bottom. And she had no intention of moving from it. It was 5 o’clock in Seattle when she finished for the day, not being able to bare the thought of going home to a cold empty apartment she headed across the street to the bar she found the first night she arrived in Minnesota, she ordered a Tequila slammer and a gin and tonic. Cristina sat at the bar and watched the world go by. Drinking tequila after tequila hoping it would numb out some of the pain she was feeling. But nothing worked. Nothing made her feel better, not even flying solo on a bad ass cardio surgery. 

Cristina barely noticed the guy who had taken the seat next too her, “You look like you’ve had a rough day, can I buy you a drink?” he said, smiling at her. He was a good looking guy, tall, dark, blue eyes. She smirked and rolled her eyes, “Oh, what you thought oh look at her, poor sad little girl sat at the bar on her own..” she said shaking her head, she took another sip of her gin and tonic staring into her glass after wards, ” Actually, I thought you must have been waiting on someone, you’re far too gorgeous to be drinking all alone on a friday night.” he said, flashing her a smile. “Flatter doesn’t work on me, but sure you can buy me a drink, who turns down free booze.” she said smirking. “Woman after my own heart, I like it.” he replied.

They talked for a while, getting more and more drunk as the night went on. He was a doctor too, 5th year resident. Maybe this is what I need…a distraction. She thought to herself behind her haze of tequila slammers. Before Cristina had time too think his lips were against hers, she resisted at first then kissed him back. A wave of burning guilt and hurt washed over her. This was not what she needed. Not at all. This was the last thing she wanted too happen. He wasn’t Owen. He wasn’t anything, he was just some guy in a bar…She pushed him off her, internally freaking the hell out “No..no. I can’t. I can’t. I’m married.” she blurted out before running out of the bar, she kept running, she didn’t look behind, she didn’t know where the hell she was going. But she had to get out of there. 

She found herself outside her apartment, with no real clue as to how she got there. The bar was nothing but a hazy memory. One she wanted to forget. All she wanted was Owen. She needed too hear his voice. To see his face. To touch him. But they weren’t suppose to be talking “Screw this…” she mumbled getting out her cell and hitting Owen’s number, it rang and rang…and rang, it went to voice mail, and Cristina toyed with the idea of hanging up, but she couldn’t. She had to say this.

“Owen…It’s me, Cristina. I know…I know we said we couldn’t do this. We couldn’t talk..but I need you Owen, I need you so freaking much. You know what. I flew solo today on a piggy back, a freaking piggy back surgery, I helped Thomas cut out an inoperable tumor, and all I wanted too do was tell you about it. You’re the one person I wanted to talk too. When something good happens or something shitty its you…it’s always been you. And I couldn’t, because here I am in fucking Minnesota 50 thousand freaking miles away, where it snows all the freaking time…here I am and you’re not. You’re not here…And maybe this is the tequila talking, god knows I’ve had enooooough of it tonight…there was this guy in the bar, we talked…and it was nice for a little while…it was nice….and he…he kissed me, he kissed me and I freaked the hell out, because I love you. I don’t want to be kissing some guy in a bar…I miss you. I fucking miss you. I just…I can’t do this. I can’t talk to you, but I can’t not talk to you…I don’t know what to do Owen…I don’t…”  she chocked the words out between sobs, she was practically hyperventilating by the end of the message, she wanted so badly to talk to him, to hear his voice. And the best she got was his lousy answer machine message “it’s owen, you know what to do” A week. A week of no communication and that was all she had. She closed her eyes, and eventually passed out on the bathroom floor of her apartment. 

Owen jolted awake. His heart was racing in his chest, his breathing was ragged. He clutched his chest, trying to steady his heart rate. Was he having a heart attack? Owen felt like that was unlikely as he was a fairly healthy person but you just never knew. He took a moment to try to gather himself and took his pulse. Once he managed to clear his head for a moment, his heart still pounding, trying to escape his chest, he realized he wasn’t having a heart attack. Just a panic attack. Just the things he’d stopping having 2 years ago. Owen stared up at the ceiling of the trailer. 7 days and 2 hours, 32 minutes. His heart ached. He wasn’t exactly sure which had been worse, whether it was actually talking to her and hearing her voice or not at all. Something about being completely alone changed him entirely. He managed to work for part of the week but Wednesday, he physically could not get out of bed. Owen felt like he was underneath a huge pile of stuff and there was no escaping. It constricted his movements and his breathing. Out of sheer will, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up, stumbling across the narrow hallway and headed outside into the cold. The brisk air chilled the exposed skin. He stood out there, letting his heart try to calm down. Just breath Owen. In and out. In and out. In and out. In and out. You have to work in the morning. Just breathe. Finally, after what felt like hours, he calmed down and headed back into the trailer, crawling into bed. He managed to sleep for an hour or two before finally giving up on the concept and got up. He dragged himself from the bed and went to work at 530 in the morning. 

Smile at the intern. Nod. Keep walking. Smile at that nurse. She’s really friendly. Keep that smile on your face. Just keep breathing. You just need to make it into the elevator and across the catwalk. Say something. “Cold morning..” Thanks for stating the obvious. Continue the small talk. Smile at them before you leave. Walk down the catwalk. Go into your office. Try to get this budget done. Just stay here long enough to get it done. Work until noon. Just until noon. Crap Derek. Small talk. Oh. He’s asking you to sign something. Just sign it. Smile at him a bit. Breathe. Deep breath in. Out. He’s gone. Okay. Budget. Owen worked until noon and left. Odd that he had and he’d gotten some looks. Usually he was the last to leave but he just couldn’t do it. He told those who asked that he had to go to the dentist in case they were concerned. Owen didn’t remember driving back to the trailer or taking his clothes off and laying in bed. He slept for the greater part of the afternoon until about 6 when his stomach wouldn’t stop growling. Owen opened his eyes and got up, digging in the fridge for something, anything. He found some yogurt and some crackers and ate those before heading back to bed. 

Come Thursday he had called in sick. Friday he called in sick. And Saturday he spent the entire day in bed. How was he supposed to go through the rest of his life without her? Owen thought he could deal. He thought he would be able to do this, to exist without her and yet every day was harder than the last. Every night he woke up, his heart racing in his chest. He couldn’t go on like this. It was unbearable. 

Sunday at 230 am, his phone went off. Owen stared at the lit up phone that sat on the table. He couldn’t bring himself to get up and look. Someone might need him and he couldn’t get up. Owen you need to get up. Just grab it and bring it to bed with you. Owen dragged himself momentarily from the bed, exhausted by the movement and grabbed the phone, bringing it back with him. He checked it and his breath hitched in his throat. CRISTINA. Owen listened to her ramble drunkenly over the phone and cried. He sobbed for ages, listening to her voice over and over again. A weird noise filled the trailer. Owen strained his ears to figure out where it was coming from. He took a deep breath and realized it had been coming from him. Owen couldn’t remember ever making that noise before but then again, he’d never been in this much pain before. “I can’t do this anymore.” He said out loud to no one. A thought occurred to him. No one would miss him. He was out here all by himself. It didn’t have to hurt anymore. As the dark thoughts creeped into his mind, Owen shook his head. He refused it. Owen pushed himself from the bed, clad only in his underwear and walked over to his computer, booking a flight to Minnesota.

Cristina woke up a few hours later, splayed out on the bathroom floor, her hand still clutching her cell phone, “oh crap” she mumbled staring at her phone in her hand. Last night seemed like a total blur, she could barely remember getting home. The guy in the bar. “Oh god.” she gasped. Had she? No surely not? Surely she had came home alone? She pulled herself to her feet and quietly crept through to the bedroom, praying she was a lone in the apartment. “oh thank god.” she said out load, practically shaking. The last thing she needed was to accidentely fall into bed with another man. She still loved Owen. He was still her husband. Despite how shitty things were, the “d” word had not yet been said. They hadn’t spoke for a week, Cristina hated it. She missed him so badly. She missed his smell, his gorgeous blue eyes, she missed the way he kissed her neck from behind her. She missed everything about her. What if she’d made a huge mistake? What if she was never going too be happy here? She had left Seattle because she was miserable; because they were making each other miserable. All they kept doing was hurting each other. The abortion. The Cheating. They were pulling each other apart, so Cristina left. She wanted to stop hurting him. She couldn’t bare the fact that the one person she loved most in the world was miserable because he loved her. 

Cristina crawled into her bed, pulling the covers up to her neck, even with the heating turned up full the apartment was always freezing. Stupid Minnesota. Luckily she wasn’t in work today. There was no way she was fit for anything today. She planned on not leaving her bed for the whole day. She wasn’t even going to bother showing the stench of booze off her. What was the point? She was all alone anyway. Cristina laid there, trying to remember the events of the night before, and then it hit her. Like a ton of bricks. “Oh shit.” she cried out, reaching for her phone, “No…I didn’t…I didn’t…please say I didn’t” She muttered hitting her last dialed list. And there it was Owen - Last dialed 2.32AM. 

She toyed with whether or not she should call him back to apologize  and tell him not to listen to her drunken ramblings. But she wasn’t sure if that would cause more harm that good. Eventually, after about 20 minutes of deliberating Cristina decided she was going to call him, but it went straight to answer machine. She hung up and tried again.Straight to answer phone again. He probably didn’t want to talk to her. God knows what she had said last night in her drunken stupor. If there was ever any chance of them sorting this mess out Cristina had almost certainly ruined it by her voice mail last night. She tried a third and final time before giving up. She threw her phone across the room in frustration and watched as it smashed against the wall on the other side, she wasn’t sure if it was broken, and frankly, right now she didn’t care. As far as Cristina was concerned if the world was to swallow her up right now it would be a blessing. 

▶ It’s a quarter after one and I’m a little drunk, and I need you now || Cristina & Owen

It had been a week since Cristina last heard Owen’s voice. The last time they spoke had been heart breaking, they both said they couldn’t do this anymore. So Cristina had stopped texting, stopped calling. Not talking was almost as hard as hearing his voice every day. She had missed him terribly, this last week had been emotional torture, Cristina was exhausted, she had barely slept, she couldn’t eat, even breathing seemed too laboring. Today should have been a good day, Parker had let her fly solo on a piggy back transplant, and she had assisted Thomas operate on an inoperable tumor. Cristina should have been on cloud 9, but instead she was at rock bottom. And she had no intention of moving from it. It was 5 o’clock in Seattle when she finished for the day, not being able to bare the thought of going home to a cold empty apartment she headed across the street to the bar she found the first night she arrived in Minnesota, she ordered a Tequila slammer and a gin and tonic. Cristina sat at the bar and watched the world go by. Drinking tequila after tequila hoping it would numb out some of the pain she was feeling. But nothing worked. Nothing made her feel better, not even flying solo on a bad ass cardio surgery. 

Cristina barely noticed the guy who had taken the seat next too her, “You look like you’ve had a rough day, can I buy you a drink?” he said, smiling at her. He was a good looking guy, tall, dark, blue eyes. She smirked and rolled her eyes, “Oh, what you thought oh look at her, poor sad little girl sat at the bar on her own..” she said shaking her head, she took another sip of her gin and tonic staring into her glass after wards, ” Actually, I thought you must have been waiting on someone, you’re far too gorgeous to be drinking all alone on a friday night.” he said, flashing her a smile. “Flatter doesn’t work on me, but sure you can buy me a drink, who turns down free booze.” she said smirking. “Woman after my own heart, I like it.” he replied.

They talked for a while, getting more and more drunk as the night went on. He was a doctor too, 5th year resident. Maybe this is what I need…a distraction. She thought to herself behind her haze of tequila slammers. Before Cristina had time too think his lips were against hers, she resisted at first then kissed him back. A wave of burning guilt and hurt washed over her. This was not what she needed. Not at all. This was the last thing she wanted too happen. He wasn’t Owen. He wasn’t anything, he was just some guy in a bar…She pushed him off her, internally freaking the hell out “No..no. I can’t. I can’t. I’m married.” she blurted out before running out of the bar, she kept running, she didn’t look behind, she didn’t know where the hell she was going. But she had to get out of there. 

She found herself outside her apartment, with no real clue as to how she got there. The bar was nothing but a hazy memory. One she wanted to forget. All she wanted was Owen. She needed too hear his voice. To see his face. To touch him. But they weren’t suppose to be talking “Screw this…” she mumbled getting out her cell and hitting Owen’s number, it rang and rang…and rang, it went to voice mail, and Cristina toyed with the idea of hanging up, but she couldn’t. She had to say this.

“Owen…It’s me, Cristina. I know…I know we said we couldn’t do this. We couldn’t talk..but I need you Owen, I need you so freaking much. You know what. I flew solo today on a piggy back, a freaking piggy back surgery, I helped Thomas cut out an inoperable tumor, and all I wanted too do was tell you about it. You’re the one person I wanted to talk too. When something good happens or something shitty its you…it’s always been you. And I couldn’t, because here I am in fucking Minnesota 50 thousand freaking miles away, where it snows all the freaking time…here I am and you’re not. You’re not here…And maybe this is the tequila talking, god knows I’ve had enooooough of it tonight…there was this guy in the bar, we talked…and it was nice for a little while…it was nice….and he…he kissed me, he kissed me and I freaked the hell out, because I love you. I don’t want to be kissing some guy in a bar…I miss you. I fucking miss you. I just…I can’t do this. I can’t talk to you, but I can’t not talk to you…I don’t know what to do Owen…I don’t…”  she chocked the words out between sobs, she was practically hyperventilating by the end of the message, she wanted so badly to talk to him, to hear his voice. And the best she got was his lousy answer machine message “it’s owen, you know what to do” A week. A week of no communication and that was all she had. She closed her eyes, and eventually passed out on the bathroom floor of her apartment. 

▶ 2am and she calls me ‘cos I’m still awake… || Cristina & Owen

owenhuntmd:

kickasscardiogodcristinayang:

Cristina knew she was fooling herself about getting on a plane; she had every intention of going home, of seeing Owen and Meredith…all that stopped her was stepping on board that 3 hour flight. If only she could sedate herself for those three hours she could do it. The tears kept falling from behind her sad brown eyes. The crashed on to the photo frame she was clutching. She could hear the pain in Owen’s voice as he spoke. She hated that she was still the cause of this. That was why she came here, why she left. Too stop hurting him. But now all she was doing was hurting him from afar.

She sighed at Owen’s words. What the hell were they doing? acting like everything is okay, when it is so far from okay. “Owen…I don’t know. I don’t know…when I left I thought that was it…I was walking away. All we do is hurt each other, we want different things, and everytime we tried to make it work we ended up pulling each other part…I…I….” Cristina was sobbing, tears streaming down her cheeks, and she was struggling to get her words out, not that Owen could probably even understand a word she was saying behind the sobbing. “I can’t…I can’t do this either. Being here, I can’t…I miss you. Every single day, I miss you. And I thought it would get easier…but its not, it’s not Owen.” she paused for a moment, unable to even think never mind form words. “I love you.” 

“I miss you too…” Owen choked out to her. “Cristina..I love you more than anything…I need you..I just…” He couldn’t even talk properly as his own tears continued to pour down his face. Owen could tell that neither of them were in any shape to speak any further, both hurt massively by what had happened. “Maybe…maybe we should stop right now…I..I don’t…tthink..we are..can…talk anymore right now..” He stammered out to her. “Later..” Owen mumbled as he started to sob. He tapped end on the phone and dropped it on the table in front of him. Owen sobbed, gasping for breath as his tears wet his face. A lot of people say that you feel better after a good cry except that it’s not always the case. It just solidifies the pain that you’re feeling in your heart. This was it. He made her miserable and she made him miserable. That was how it was. His chest was aching as he continued to sob. Owen just had to ride this out and it would go away. Soon it would go away and he wouldn’t feel this way anymore. At least that’s what he told himself. He left the table, his ice cold coffee sitting in the mug next to his phone and headed towards the bed. Owen wasn’t tired but maybe laying down for a while would make him feel a little better. He crawled onto the bed and under the covers. Owen rubbed his face, wiping the tears from his eyes. He had to figure out a way to end this.

“Oh….okay….” was all Cristina managed to get out before the line went dead. She dropped the phone on the bed, still clutching the photo of her and Owen, she pushed herself up in the bed so she was sitting up with her knees tight against her chest hugging the picture in her arms, as the tears continued to fall. Cristina sobbed, her whole body shaking with each heart felt sob. Every inch of her hurt, missing Owen was physically painful, all over her body. She was exhausted, she couldn’t sleep without him, she could barely breathe without him. She had never felt sadness like this, even when Burke left her, it didn’t hurt like this. Owen was her soul mate; they were kindred spirits. Two halves,  Never fully functioning without the other. Yet, whole they had broken beyond recognition. Hearing him sob like that on the other end of the phone was truly heart breaking, not being able to touch him, to hold him. Being the reason for that painful sobbing was too much. This was all too much. Cristina couldn’t live like this. She wasn’t living anymore; she was fighting to exist. And she didn’t know how to life in a world that Owen wasn’t part of anymore. 

When she had left Seattle she had thought that was the end of this worst of this pain, but it was only the beginning. The pain only grew worse each passing day, each day without the love of her life. Something needed to change. Cristina wanted to go home. She wanted to run away from this cold hell whole, she had nothing here. No friends too speak off, no life out side of work. She was cold, and dead inside, as well as out. Cristina didn’t want to end up like Dr Thomas, all alone in this world because she had chosen surgery over life. She wanted too choose life, too choose Owen, but was it too late? Could they really work through this? Did Owen even want too? Of course he did, “I will never love another woman” some of the last words he had said too her before she left Seattle echoed in her mind. Cristina would never love another man. Owen Hunt was the love of her life, no matter how much it pained her. 

They were both a wreck. But maybe, just maybe, together they could be strong once more. 

▶ 2am and she calls me ‘cos I’m still awake… || Cristina & Owen

owenhuntmd:

kickasscardiogodcristinayang:

Her heart sunk. He wasn’t living in the Firehouse, where was he living? Maybe he’d moved back in with his mother… “Oh…you’re not? Where are you living? Your mom’s?” Cristina asked, with concern in her voice, she hated the idea of him being anywhere but the Firehouse, it was their home..but then, she wasn’t their either. It stopped being their home months ago. 

“We were.” She said weakly, fighting back the tears that were now falling from her eyes. She clasped the picture of them tightly in her hand, as if it were Owen himself. “You took a ton of pictures that weekend. I really like the one of us at the Brooklyn bridge…it’s….it’s on my nightstand.” she admitted. She sighed deeply, trying to cover up the fact she was almost sobbing into the picture, she didn’t want Owen too know she was crying. She didn’t want to worry him. “Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be again, happy, that is. I mean sure, the programme is great, Dr Thomas is great…but it’s just….” not home, she thought to herself. “I was thinking about coming home…”  she paused, closing her eyes tightly at the thought of getting on a plane again, ” This weekend, I know I’ve tried before…but I’m tired Owen, really freaking tired…I’m coming home this weekend, I mean I am going to try too come home this weekend…” She waited patiently on his reaction, biting her lip, he probably didn’t believe her, hell she didn’t really believe her. She wanted to badly to go home, too see Owen and Meredith and Zola. But she was scared, so scared. The last time she got on a plane two of her friends died and the rest of them were never going to be the same again. 

Things as they were were nothing short of heart breaking, she wasn’t sure what Owen wanted, or even what she wanted. All Cristina knew was these phone calls were getting more and more painful by the day. Something had to change, but was it going to be a change she could deal with? Could she just get over him? Of course she couldn’t he was the love of her life. 

“No…I’m..I’m actually living in Derek’s trailer right now…Just needed some space is all. A place to think clearly..” To get away from you…I keep expecting to see you everywhere I go in that house.. He sighed. “Yeah…I have a whole folder of them on my laptop…it was a great trip.” The tears he’d been holding back fell from his eyes and down his face as she spoke. Owen wanted nothing more than for Cristina to excel at what she did best and be at the top of her game. He wanted her to succeed more than anything. He wondered if he would ever be happy again too. Owen couldn’t remember the last time he didn’t feel like this was the day. At the mention of her flight plan, Owen knew that was folly. There was no way she was coming. He’d heard her say that before and nothing ever came of it. Owen had actually driven to the airport one day in hopes she’d gotten on the plan and she hadn’t. Pain Pain Pain. That was at least the constant in his life. He could always rely on that.

“Cristina…what are we doing? Why..why do we call each other all the time and act…act like everything’s okay?” Owen finally said, unable to hold it in anymore. “Our lives are so far from okay right now..” Tears poured down his face. He was sick and tired of feeling like this every single day. Owen wanted it to stop. It was so unbearable. “I..I can’t do this anymore..I can’t…we can’t be this way…” Every time I hear your voice over this fucking phone, I just want to die. 

Cristina knew she was fooling herself about getting on a plane; she had every intention of going home, of seeing Owen and Meredith…all that stopped her was stepping on board that 3 hour flight. If only she could sedate herself for those three hours she could do it. The tears kept falling from behind her sad brown eyes. The crashed on to the photo frame she was clutching. She could hear the pain in Owen’s voice as he spoke. She hated that she was still the cause of this. That was why she came here, why she left. Too stop hurting him. But now all she was doing was hurting him from afar.

She sighed at Owen’s words. What the hell were they doing? acting like everything is okay, when it is so far from okay. “Owen…I don’t know. I don’t know…when I left I thought that was it…I was walking away. All we do is hurt each other, we want different things, and everytime we tried to make it work we ended up pulling each other part…I…I….” Cristina was sobbing, tears streaming down her cheeks, and she was struggling to get her words out, not that Owen could probably even understand a word she was saying behind the sobbing. “I can’t…I can’t do this either. Being here, I can’t…I miss you. Every single day, I miss you. And I thought it would get easier…but its not, it’s not Owen.” she paused for a moment, unable to even think never mind form words. “I love you.” 

▶ 2am and she calls me ‘cos I’m still awake… || Cristina & Owen

owenhuntmd:

kickasscardiogodcristinayang:

“Cold, cold and snowing, again, for like the 20 billionth time this week. I use to moan Seattle was cold, but this place makes Seattle look like freaking palm beach!” she said, pausing for a moment, “I couldn’t sleep, it’s too cold too sleep. How’s Seattle? I bet the fire house isn’t as freaking cold as my apartment.” Too cold too sleep without you.  Hearing his voice made her miss him more, knowing she couldn’t touch him, taste his lips on hers. She couldn’t even remember the last time they had kissed; sometime after the plane crash, maybe, but she was too far gone then too know what was going on. She thought back to that morning she had left for Minnesota, his face, his eyes; they said it all. She could see in his eyes all the pain and hurt, she could barely look at him, never mind kiss him goodbye.  Goodbye; it seemed to final, so definitive. She didn’t want this too be it. Too be the end.

She had left so abruptly, she had too. She had too get out, if she had waited a moment longer, if she had looked into those beautiful sad blue eyes, if her lips had touched his…there was no way she could have walked out of that door. She had to leave, she had to stop hurting him. She remembered what Derek had said to Meredith all those years ago, “If you love some thing let it go” and that was what she was trying to do. She didn’t want to be the reason for Owen’s pain anymore. Yet here she was, calling him at 2am because she missed the sound of his voice so much. 

“Hey, do you remember that trip too New York? what was it last summer? You made me sit threw that Yankies game…” She wasn’t sure why she was bringing that up, maybe as a little reminder that they were happy once, maybe just to block out the painful last memory of Owen running after her down the stairs. “I bet New York isn’t this freaking cold either.” she added trying to keep Owen on the other end of the phone as long as possible without saying what she really wanted too. I miss you. I want to come home. I can’t breathe without you. 

A small smile played across Owen’s lips as he listened to Cristina bitch about how cold Minnesota was. It was definitely different for Cristina Beverley Hills. “Oh Seattle is okay. It’s raining right now…”Owen said quietly as he stared outside at the clouds that had rolled in, the stars now completely covered up. The only light that came in was the couple of candles that Owen had lit and the moon that had yet to be covered. “Oh I’m sure the firehouse is good…I…don’t live there right now…” There’s no way I can. How can I live there without you? I can barely breath without you let alone live in the house we once shared. Owen smiled again at her mention of their trip to New York. It had been so perfect. Everything about that trip was amazing. He never would have imagined that they would be where they are now, then. They’d seen a baseball game, gone out for dinner, walked in the park. Pure romance. He frowned as he found himself opening up his computer and going into his pictures. There was the folder of the pictures. Their smiling faces. Scrolling through them only caused pain in his heart but he couldn’t help but look. “We were so happy…” Owen couldn’t help but say as he looked at them. Tears formed behind his eyes unexpectedly as he saw the picture of her on the Brooklyn bridge. Cristina looked absolutely breathtaking in the photo, the wind  gently blowing her hair back. She was looking out at the water with a small smile on her face.

Why did he have to fall so hard for her? Why couldn’t he have kept himself guarded when he’d gotten back from war? Why did she have to stick through his PTSD? Why did he stick through hers? Why did they get married? Why did any of it happen? The end result of those memories was pain. Pure pain. They say you can actually die of a broken heart and Owen wondered if that would happen to him. Just one day, alone in the trailer, drop dead. All alone. No one would miss him. He had never felt so miserable in all his life. These phone calls needed to stop or change somehow because he wasn’t sure if he could survive this. 

Her heart sunk. He wasn’t living in the Firehouse, where was he living? Maybe he’d moved back in with his mother… “Oh…you’re not? Where are you living? Your mom’s?” Cristina asked, with concern in her voice, she hated the idea of him being anywhere but the Firehouse, it was their home..but then, she wasn’t their either. It stopped being their home months ago. 

“We were.” She said weakly, fighting back the tears that were now falling from her eyes. She clasped the picture of them tightly in her hand, as if it were Owen himself. “You took a ton of pictures that weekend. I really like the one of us at the Brooklyn bridge…it’s….it’s on my nightstand.” she admitted. She sighed deeply, trying to cover up the fact she was almost sobbing into the picture, she didn’t want Owen too know she was crying. She didn’t want to worry him. “Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be again, happy, that is. I mean sure, the programme is great, Dr Thomas is great…but it’s just….” not home, she thought to herself. “I was thinking about coming home…”  she paused, closing her eyes tightly at the thought of getting on a plane again, ” This weekend, I know I’ve tried before…but I’m tired Owen, really freaking tired…I’m coming home this weekend, I mean I am going to try too come home this weekend…” She waited patiently on his reaction, biting her lip, he probably didn’t believe her, hell she didn’t really believe her. She wanted to badly to go home, too see Owen and Meredith and Zola. But she was scared, so scared. The last time she got on a plane two of her friends died and the rest of them were never going to be the same again. 

Things as they were were nothing short of heart breaking, she wasn’t sure what Owen wanted, or even what she wanted. All Cristina knew was these phone calls were getting more and more painful by the day. Something had to change, but was it going to be a change she could deal with? Could she just get over him? Of course she couldn’t he was the love of her life.